Bottles on the Shelf

I needed dog food the other day and went to the Place Where Dog Food Is Found. Begins with a W. (I’m old enough to remember when that sentence would make people think of Woolworth’s.) The modern Place of W is an unyielding budget buster for me. I can’t go in and buy just one thing. All I needed was dog food, but by the caprice of misaligned aisles and inviting random tables I found myself instead in the cosmetics section, the section furthest from the dog food, of course. The Place of W has that effect on me.

Among the almost food-like bottles on the shelf, such as Honey Spice face powder or Melon Soufflé lipstick, I found a hand lotion, Calming Crème.

Calming Crème. Wouldn’t that be a joy if it were possible to have calm just by a lotion? Slather on ease. Rub in inner peace. Yes. And cheap too. Only$7.97.

I’ve learned in the past few months that seizing calm is about the only way to get through some of this ordeal. Every conversation with a doctor holds terrors. I am getting quite adept at forging a neutral face, asking intelligent questions, and even finding blessings in the news. But the reality is, those conversations with doctors leave me reeling. Later I have to work hard to calm down and get on with things.

My doctor called last week with results of some recent specialized tests. Two of the three were positive for autoimmune disorders. So there it is, at last, a possible cause of the liver failure. The news was by phone, so my face needed no guarding. But I managed the requisite intelligent question, what could cause autoimmune failure. Answer: don’t know. Yet. The  blessing I dutifully found was, I could quit worrying that the blow-in insulation I had put in my house twenty-two years ago was the source of my illness.

But I lost all calm after I hung up. I could not sleep that night and didn’t doze until about five a.m. Trying to will myself into calm did not seem possible this time. There was no logic to my feelings, I knew. I was no worse off than before the call. Yet this time I was not strong enough to fight off the terror.

That’s why, in pursuit of dog food, my accidentally stumbling across (or being led to?) the calming crème shelf seemed so fortuitous. I smiled to see it. I’m rational enough to know it’s just a hand lotion. And yet, since I couldn’t seize calm that day by willing it, why not try the cream? At $7.97 plus tax, it couldn’t hurt.

I’m sleeping better now. And my hands feel softer too.

Above, Bottles on a Shelf, acrylic on canvas, 36 x 18 inches. Copyright 2009 ptw.