New Labels

It’s been almost a year since the terrible bleeding incident that upset my world and my world view. Overnight my self-image had to change to encompass illness. In a matter of hours last summer my identity had to shift to include the label, “One Who Is Chronically Ill.”

Parts of who I am were destroyed in those dreadful days too. “Person Who Works at a Job.” Gone. “The One with Boundless Energy.” Very, very gone.

But other labels grew stronger or endured. “Writer.” Stronger. “Gardener.” Less strong, but not gone. “Artist.” Much, much stronger. “Friend and Good Listener.” Definitely stronger. “Someone Who Can Sit and Watch a Moon Rise.” Reborn. “Someone Comfortable with the Silences of Her Mind.” A new and welcome arrival.

So I’ve gained and lost this year. A major shift in self perception such as I experienced last summer doesn’t settle gracefully, however. The oddest part of the journey has been the tools I chose to help me comprehend these gains and losses. Painting was important, obviously, and the one I’ve written about the most this year. But there were other tools.

The silliest to talk about and yet one of the most useful was “The Clean.” I wrote in my last blog that I used ferocious cleaning to delay varnishing paintings. But I’ve been thinking some more about that cleaning frenzy. It was too excessive even for staving off varnishing. I believe I was after something else. I wasn’t just cleaning. I was fighting.

I wrote last time how I cleaned house and garage for weeks, emptying and washing every drawer and shelf, every box and basket. On a surface level I suppose I was fighting for control. Cleaning is a simple way to exert order. But I certainly don’t need to wipe behind paintings or dust several hundred books, one at a time, to feel in control. Routine vacuuming can do that. 

I think the cleaning became a way to say goodbye to the past. It was a form of grieving and also of welcoming the new. I do have a good life.  I’ve become more aware of things around me and more patient with irritations. I laugh more. The cleaning seemed to give me permission to enjoy these things. I celebrated finishing The Clean by making cartoon labels for all the bins and drawers in my studio and utility room. If I also garnered a bit of control in the process, then what’s so bad about that?

Above, label for a drawer of small garden tools. Below labels for a recycle bin, hats, sewing notions, and paints.